Become a Better Listener

Being a good listener requires openness and presence of mind.  When most people think they’re “listening,” what they’re often doing instead is focusing a majority of their energy on what they’re going to say next. While the other person is talking, they’re waiting (patiently or impatiently) for that moment when they can chime in with their own thoughts, opinions, rebuttal, etc. Under these circumstances, minimal attention is being directed on what’s being heard, with maximum attention being placed on one’s own response.

As a result, everyday conversation often ends up consisting of two people taking turns talking, without actually paying good attention to what the other is saying. No wonder communication problems and lack of understanding are paramount these days!

Listening well fosters better communication and strengthens relationships, by building more trust and understanding. There is also some evidence that listening more can lower blood pressure. Needless to say, this can be incredibly helpful in both personal and professional life. The key to good listening is finding a balance of attention between self and other — that is, equal emphasis on what is being said and one’s own reflective process.

First step: slow down

There are numerous ways to strengthen listening skills. Slowing down is perhaps the most important thing we can do. Our fast-paced society tends to keep us in high gear throughout the day – at work, at home and sometimes even during “leisure” activities. Many of us are conditioned to do things as quickly as possible. Sometimes, this makes sense. But when communicating with somebody else, it’s often helpful to take a different approach.

Remind yourself to take time during conversations and avoid interrupting the speaker (part of the “high-gear mentality”) until he/she is finished. When listening, make it a practice to pause for a moment to fully digest what has been said before replying. Slowing down can improve communication and it can also make it more enjoyable.

When you’re listening, just listen

When conversing, don’t try to multi-task, as this creates a distraction for both you and the speaker. On a side note, there’s fascinating research related to how multitasking actually lowers IQ (fortunately, the loss is only temporary!). The Institute of Psychiatry at King’s College, London found that multitasking (doing more than one thing simultaneously) can lower IQ by 10 points. To give some perspective, smoking marijuana lowers IQ by somewhere between 4- 8 points. So, if you’re trying to do something else while having a conversation, you’ll likely miss some of what’s being said. This may sound obvious, but unfortunately, this happens all too often.

Attitude is important

Maintain an attitude of openness, curiousity and lack of judgment. Our attitude, tone of voice, facial expressions and other forms of body language can foster or discourage open communication. For example, if you’re listening to your spouse and thinking to yourself “he is full of it,” your facial expressions will probably be tense and you may give off a vibe of impatience and irritability. This will have an impact on what your spouse says. He may sense this, start to tense up himself and edit what he’s thinking. You lose out on getting the full essence of what’s trying to be conveyed.

Another problematic mind-set is the “I know what she’s going to say” attitude. This is particularly evident in long-term relationships, such as those with spouses and other family members. For example, if for the past year, each time you ask your son or daughter to clean-up their room, they respond with anger and defensiveness, this will leave a strong impression. You’re in essence being conditioned to expect this angry response from them, since it has occurred reliably for a year.

Unfortunately, by having this expectation, you inhibit your ability to maintain an attitude of openness, which can set the tone for other possibilities to arise. In other words, by expecting your son or daughter to behave the same way, you’re in some ways reinforcing that behavior. From a systems theory perspective, when one person changes their behavior, it has an impact on the whole system (i.e., relationship in this example). The key is to recognize the conditioning and deliberately choose to change your attitude. Changing your mind-set to one of openness and curiousity – as if you’re having this conversation with your child for the first time – may produce a different outcome.

Seek first to understand

When in conversation, seek first to understand, rather than being understood. This is particularly important when a problem is being discussed. When in conflict, it’s easy for each person to get quite attached to their perspective. An inordinate amount of energy then gets placed on proving their point (emphasis on self), resulting in less listening to what the other person is actually saying (emphasis on other).

Often in conversation, it appears that the average person’s default is “trying to be understood” mode. Understanding is indeed the overall goal in good communication; however, as the listener, having an immediate goal of understanding the other can be a helpful tact to take.

Reflect back what you’re hearing

Let the speaker know that you’re listening and trying to understand what they’re saying. This can be done in different ways. Maintaining good eye contact, nodding your head periodically, paraphrasing what’s been said and asking clarifying questions all send the message that you’re listening.

Take a “time-out”

Lastly, if you’re trying to listen to somebody and you find that you’re just too distracted to pay full attention, take a “time-out.” You can then return to the conversation at a later time. For example, you may find that you’re too tired to maintain good focus. Or, perhaps the topic is emotionally charged for you, making it difficult to listen in that particular moment. Rather than feigning that you’re listening, be assertive and let the person know you’d like to continue talking another time.

“Time-outs” can be particularly helpful in couples communications. In these situations, it may be helpful to set the ground rules ahead of time. For example, you can tell your partner: “I wanted to let you know that if we’re having a disagreement and I find myself having a hard time listening to you, I may need to take a short time-out to settle my feelings. I wanted you to know about this in advance so that you don’t take it personally or feel like I’m blowing you off.”

Exercises for experimentation

Below are some specific exercises that can help one develop better listening skills.

1.) With a partner/friend, practice taking turns listening and paraphrasing what the other said. Do this in a structured manner. For example, set a timer to 5 minutes. Have one person talk openly, while the other listens attentively without doing anything beyond saying an occasional “yes” or nodding, for the entire 5 minutes. Then have the other person repeat the general gist of what they heard. Each person should take a turn as listener and speaker.

Many people will find this exercise awkward at first and the speaker will often feel like the 5 minutes is incredibly long because it’s so unfamiliar or they more used to being interrupted. Often in conversation, particularly if the talker is discussing a problem, we feel the need to immediately offer advice. However, sometimes simply listening is the best remedy. This can help the speaker gain more clarity and express their thoughts as clearly as possible.

This type of exchange of time is modeled after a form of peer counseling known as Re-Evaluation Counseling (RC). RC is designed to help individuals decrease emotional distress, think better and enhance their relationships. To learn more about RC, go to www.rc.org.

2.) There is a Buddhist relational practice called Insight Dialogue that can help foster greater awareness and listening when interacting with others. This technique, developed by Gregory Kramer, PhD., is a type of interpersonal meditation. The six basic steps in this practice are outlined below:

PAUSE: stop for a moment to recognize what you’re doing habitually and bring yourself into the present moment.

RELAX: notice any areas in your body that feel stressed or tense and consciously try to let go and relax.

OPEN: expand your awareness to what’s happening outside of you; notice the other person, what you’re hearing, etc. with a sense of curiousity and acceptance; allow for a sense of awareness that encompasses both you and the speaker.

TRUST EMERGENCE: consciously choose to let go of personal agendas or trying to control the interaction, recognizing the ever-changing nature of life.

LISTEN DEEPLY: “To Listen Deeply is to listen with mindfulness, surrendering fully to the unfolding words and presence of our co-meditators. Grounded in clear awareness and sensitive to the speaker’s offering, we are a receptive field touched by the words, emotions, and energies of our fellow human beings.” Source: www.metta.org

SPEAK THE TRUTH: speak from both the heart and mind, with honesty and authenticity.

To learn more about Insight Dialogue, go to www.metta.org

Interesting community projects emphasizing listening

Below you can learn about community organizations that emphasize the crucial role of listening in social change and peacemaking efforts.

1.) The Compassionate Listening Project is a training organization that teaches peacemaking skills. www.compassionatelistening.org

According to their website, “Compassionate Listening requires questions which are non-adversarial and listening which is non-judgmental. Listeners seek the truth of the person questioned, seeing through ‘masks of hostility and fear to the sacredness of the individual.’ Listeners seek to humanize the ‘other’. Listeners accept what others say as their perceptions, and validate the right to their own perceptions. Compassionate Listening can cut through barriers of defense and mistrust, enabling both those listened to and those listening to hear what they think, to change their opinions, and to make more informed decisions. Through this process, fear can be reduced, and participants will be better equipped to discern how to proceed with effective action.”

2.) Rural Southern Voices for Peace – Listening Project Training and Resource Center www.listeningproject.info

According to their website, “a Listening Project (LP) is a comprehensive process that includes “deep listening” interviews and community organizing that can result in cooperative community education and action on a wide range of issues and concerns. LPs are especially useful in communities where conflict, divisions or disempowerment weakens efforts for positive change. They can help organizations successfully address injustice, conflict, community development, health, environmental and others concerns.”