Responding vs. Reacting

When working with clients in therapy or coaching sessions, I’ll often hear about the struggle many face to respond to, rather than react to stimuli.  Those aren’t necessarily the words clients are using, but the difference between responding versus reacting is exactly what they are talking about.

Clients will say things like, “in the heat of the moment, I got so upset…but later that day, I realized that it wasn’t so bad.”  Or, “at the time, I just felt so nervous, but now when I think about, I feel pretty calm. It’s just not the same anymore.”

This is something that all of us do to varying degrees.  It’s simply part of being human.  But, this process can be changed or at least, influenced to some degree.

If you frequently find yourself in conflict, anxious or getting heated over what later appear to be minor issues, you may be caught in the not-so-fun and sometimes destructive pattern of emotional reactivity.

Responding, in contrast, refers to a broader mechanism that integrates both emotional and intellectual data.  This more balanced approach leads to healthier and more functional ways of relating to our circumstances.

Another way of looking at it is that “reacting” is more habitual and irrational, whereas “responding” is fresher (i.e., suited to the unique moment at hand) and more rational.

While it’s easier said than done, with practice, anybody can learn to “strengthen” their mental response muscles, eventually making them stronger than the reactivity ones.

Since understanding is the first step in the change process, this article begins by reviewing the basic brain science behind emotional reactivity, followed by some examples.  I’ll then go into methods for strengthening our ability to “respond” rather than “react” to situations and triggers, which again, leads to more functional, productive and healthy behavior.

What is Emotional Reactivity

Emotional reactivity is the knee-jerk, automatic, habituated response we have to triggering situations.  X happens and before we know it, we are at Y – a place we don’t necessarily want to be and often times, we don’t even know how we got there.

The process happens instantaneously and often seems to be beyond our control.  It’s not always a bad thing, such as when we quickly pull our hand away from something hot on the stove, without even thinking about it.  However, when the situation isn’t truly “threatening,” then our responses don’t really serve us well.

I’m going to go over some basic brain science to help illustrate the emotional reactivity process.  I’m then going to talk about ways to bolster our ability to “respond” to triggering situations in a more balanced way.

The Triune Brain

The late Dr. Paul MacLean first articulated the concept of the “triune brain” when describing the characteristics of the mammalian brain that is a product of evolutionary biology.  While this model has been deemed outdated by some, its basic message is worth exploring and helps provide a framework for why we do what we do as humans.

As the name triune indicates, there are three parts of the brain referred to as the reptilian, limbic and neocortical brains.  I’ll describe these in fairly simple terms, as I’m not a neuroscientist.

According to MacLean’s model, the reptilian brain is what first evolved and is considered the most primitive of the three.  It is responsible for instinctual functions for basic survival, like keeping the heart pumping and the lungs breathing.

The limbic brain, also known as the paleomammalian brain, represents the second evolutionary step.  This area is responsible for emotions and intuition, generating feelings such as love, fear, excitement and sadness.  It houses components like the amygdala and hippocampus.

The third area is known as the neocortex.  The neocortex is what most people commonly think of as the brain.  Its’ functions are those of reason and intellect, thought and language; our logical mind.  The model suggests that the neocortex was the last to evolve and is something unique to mammals.  It is rather large in humans and smaller in other types of mammals.

In terms of physical structure, each is essentially on top of the other, with the reptilian brain being an extension of the spinal cord; the limbic brain being located above this area; and the largest part of the brain, the neocortex, providing a hat at the very top.

As Lewis, Amini and Lannon noted in their book A General Theory of Love, “Evolution’s stuttering process has fashioned a brain that is fragmented and inharmonious, and to some degree composed of players with competing interests.”

The Amygdala Hijack

I’m now going to focus on the relationship between the thalamus and the amygdala (both of which are considered part of the limbic brain) and the neocortex, to illustrate the process of emotional reactivity.

Daniel Goleman, PhD., author of the bestseller Emotional Intelligence, has referred to the amygdala as the “the emotional brain” and the neocortex (also referred to simply as the cortex) as “the thinking brain.”  He coined the term “amygdala hijack” to describe the process of emotional reactivity.

When we experience some type of sensory input, such as seeing or hearing something, this information goes to the thalamus, which is kind of like the air traffic control center of the brain.  In a normal situation, the information then gets relayed to the cortex, followed by the amygdala.  Having input from both the “thinking brain” (the cortex) and the “emotional brain” (the amygdala), puts us in a position to respond appropriately to a situation.

Now, if the sensory input is perceived as a “threat,” then that information gets routed differently in the brain.  Rather than going from thalamus to cortex to amygdala, it goes straight from thalamus to amygdala, bypassing the cortex.  The neocortex – the thinking brain – is, in a sense, excluded from the decision-making process.  The driver is the “emotional brain,” the amygdala.  If a threat or danger is perceived, then a highly emotional, often irrational reaction takes place.  All of this happens very quickly, in a split second and is sometimes referred to as the “fight-or-flight response.”

Let’s take an example to illustrate this.  Say you’re walking in the woods and out of the corner of your eye you catch a glimpse of something moving on the ground.  You immediately startle, jump up and shriek “ahh…what was that?”  You then look down and see that it was a leaf blowing in the wind and you proceed to have a nice laugh and perhaps feel some embarrassment over the fact that another hiker witnessed this in the distance.

What happened here?   First, let’s say that the movement somehow triggered an image of a snake in your mind, something you’re deathly afraid of.  The stimuli sounded off an internal alarm that said “danger.” You then jumped to move out of the way of its deadly venom, before you had a chance to fully appraise the situation and realize that it wasn’t a threat at all, but just a beautiful part of the Fall blowing by you.

So, your “thinking brain” essentially gets excluded when something highly threatening is perceived.  That’s what Goleman was referring to when he said “amygdala hijack” – the thalamus excludes the cortex and goes directly to the amygdala.  At that point, the amygdala is relying on stored memories rather than fresh, present-time data.  So, if you ever had a bad experience with a snake, then that’s what will like come up for you.  For somebody who has had a positive experience with a snake, say, somebody who grew up with them as pets, then they may have an opposite reaction.  Instead of fear, the glimmer of movement on the trail may trigger curiosity and excitement about what it might be.

Responding: An Alternative to Reactivity

We’ll never get rid of our “emotional reactivity muscles,” nor would we want to.  As mentioned, there are times when this knee jerk response serves us well, such as when faced with truly dangerous situations.  In addition, the flood of positive emotions we get – those of overwhelming feelings of love, excitement and joy – are one of the most pleasurable parts of this limbic reactivity that we cherish as humans.

However, strengthening our “response muscles” can only help us, by increasing our ability to navigate life’s events in healthy, rational and less destructive ways.  As Lewis et al. noted, while we may not be able to “command” our emotions, we can certainly “influence” them.

Similar to physical exercise, it takes practice and repetition to build up our response muscles.   So, how do we do it?

There are likely many ways to decrease emotional reactivity, but the ones I’m going to focus on involve slowing down, increasing awareness and healing old wounds.

Healing Old Wounds

As explained earlier, it’s possible to perceive a relatively benign situation as something that is threatening or dangerous, depending on past conditioning.  For example, say somebody at work ignores what you have to say.  If you have unresolved hurts related to not being listened to or taken seriously, in other words, an “open wound” in this area, then you are more apt to take your co-worker’s behavior personally.  A personal insult is a threat to the ego, which then triggers a strong emotional reaction.  This may lead to negative behavior toward your co-worker, such as lashing out at them or being passive-aggressive.

Alternatively, if you work through your experiences of not being heard – by exploring what they mean to you, by releasing emotions related the experiences and by unlearning the erroneous messages you may have internalized in the process – then you’re less likely to take your co-worker’s behavior personally.

Then, when your co-worker ignores you, rather than reacting from your emotional side, you’ll have a plethora of more rational options from which to choose, such as respectfully interrupting your co-worker’s limited communication skills, by being assertive.

Sometimes people can work through past hurtful experiences on their own, whereas other times, more formal healing relationships are necessary, such as those found in counseling services or in a self-help group.

Increasing Awareness with CBT and Mindfulness

There are many ways to increase self-awareness.  Cognitive-behavioral therapy (also known as CBT) can be quite helpful with increasing self-awareness and strengthening the ability to respond to circumstances more rationally.  These skills can be learned formally, such as with a therapist, but can also be developed and practiced on one’s own through reading and workbooks.

A common task in CBT is to increase awareness of the relationship between our thoughts, feelings and behavior.  If I think “X,” then I usually feel like “Y” and do “Z.”  For example, if I think the thought “nobody should ever cut me off in traffic,” and then somebody does, then the ensuing feelings and behavior on my part may include anger and flipping off the driver.

The next step in CBT is to analyze the thought for its accuracy.  Is the thought “nobody should ever cut me off in traffic” true?  This seems kind of rigid, since the reality is that while we have traffic laws, the fact of the matter is that sometimes people just don’t follow them.

Anytime you find yourself using the word “should,” it’s a clue that you’re probably being somewhat irrational or rigid.  “Should statements” are one of the classic types of “cognitive distortions” – a term often used in CBT work.  Cognitive distortions are essentially mental mistakes all of us make from time to time that contribute to emotional reactivity and stress.

“Should statements” set people up for disappointment and frustration due to expectations for how things ought to be.   So, if you find that you experience road rage, for example, you may want to look at the thoughts that are triggering your strong emotions to see if you’re using any “shoulds” there.  If so, it can be helpful to talk to yourself in a different manner.

Instead of saying, “nobody should ever cut me off in traffic,” you could replace that thought with “it would certainly be nice if everybody drove safely and obeyed the traffic laws, but I realize that this isn’t always going to happen; I can control my own driving though and I choose to maintain a peaceful demeanor, despite the behavior of others around me.”

While this second approach may not completely extinguish your rage, it will likely lessen the degree of anger and frustration you’re feeling.  Sure, you may still have that initial thought of “nobody should ever cut me off in traffic.”  That’s ok.  The key is how you respond to that thought.  Do you feed it with more of the same or introduce more rational and self-supportive statements like the one above?  With much practice, you may find your road rage decreasing to the point where the behavior of other drivers simply doesn’t impact your inner state.

There’s one last point I’d like to make here.  With this process of reconstructing self-talk, I’m not advocating for passivity.  For example, say the driver that just cut you off seems to be really out of control and may be intoxicated.  It would be completely appropriate to take some type of external action like informing a police officer about this.  It’s equally important, however, to do the internal work of not taking things personally or irrationally, as this decreases inner stress and actually allows for clearer thinking about what to do next.

To learn more about CBT, check out the following resources:

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – article on karunaweb.com.

Dr. David Burns, Professor of Behavioral Sciences at Stanford Medical School, has written extensively on the used of CBT tools to help improve people’s inner lives and outer functioning.  His authored the best selling book, “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.”

The Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  Aaron Beck, MD, is considered the founder of CBT.  This website provides comprehensive information on CBT, including resources and therapists who offer this service.

Mindfulness – Another Means of Cultivating Awareness

The practice of mindfulness is a powerful means of increasing one’s level of awareness.  Mindfulness – paying attention to the present moment with a sense of openness, non-judgment and curiosity to whatever is arising – in some ways slows down the process of emotional reactivity by creating more distance between situations, triggers, etc., and our habitual responses to them.  This creation of “space” allows for a more balanced, rather than knee jerk, response.  Mindfulness is best cultivated through formal methods, such as mindfulness meditation, and but can also be developed through more informal means, such as by simply paying more attention to everyday activity.

Dr. Dan Siegel, Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA, describes mindfulness as a process of attunement to self.  He explains how this practice stimulates the growth of integrative neurons throughout our “distributed nervous system” that includes not only the brain, but the entire body.  This self attunement has the same effect that healthy attachment has in a nurturing parent-child relationship.  Some of the key results of this increased neural growth include “flexible responses,” “emotional balance,” and decreased fear.

The practice of mindfulness integrates our emotional and thinking centers more, partly by fostering greater awareness of ourselves and our environment.   As we experience the world with a broader, less filtered lens – by acknowledging whatever it is that we may be thinking, feeling and seeing, rather than denying or pushing away certain parts of reality – we are able to respond more rationally to whatever the situation calls for, rather than relying on old habits.

There are many other ways to increase self-awareness beyond mindfulness practices and CBT, including participating in any type of contemplative and reflective exercise, such as other types of counseling, journaling or prayer.  These practices foster a deeper understanding of both ourselves and the world around us. Greater understanding translates into more realistic and rational responses to any situation we face.

I remember hearing Jack Kornfield, Psychologist and Buddhist Teacher, tell a powerful story that illustrates this point of greater understanding well.  I’m going to tell it as best I can remember, taking a bit of poetic license.

The story takes place on a train. There are two children running up and down the aisles, making lots of noise, playing and exploring, as young people do.  A passenger sits there, growing increasingly frustrated because he’s unable to concentrate on his book, thinking to himself, “these kids are out of hand. I wish they would quiet down, so I can have some peace.”  The father of the children sits a few rows up, apparently doing nothing.  The passenger sees this and thinks to himself, “What an irresponsible father. What’s his problem?  He doesn’t even care about the raucous his kids are making on this train.”  His blood is now at a boil, as he continues to grow more enraged over the situation.  Then, all of a sudden, another passenger approaches the father to talk about something.  The enraged passenger overhears the father saying, “My wife has just died” and the father then begins to sob.

Upon hearing this, the perturbed passenger’s demeanor changes virtually in an instant.  He softens, and as the anger vanishes, it’s replaced with a spring of compassion.  He then thinks to himself, “That poor man.  I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost my own wife.  What a beautiful site to see those kids playing so freely, despite such a tragedy.”  He then goes over to the widower and offers him some food.

That’s what greater understanding offers.

Increasing one’s level of awareness and understanding will help strengthen the response muscles and lessen the reactivity ones.

Slowing Down

In addition to practices that increase awareness and understanding, finding ways to mentally slow down in the heat of the moment can be helpful with decreasing emotional reactivity.

Taking a “time-out” is a common skill used in any type of anger management curriculum.  This can be done by simply removing yourself from the arousing situation.  Say your spouse says something that is infuriating.  Try to leave the conversation to give yourself some time to cool down.  With time-outs, it’s best to “practice” these ahead of time, by imagining a similar scenario taking place and by explaining to your spouse beforehand what to expect when your anger gets triggered.  This is important to avoid triggering confusing feelings in your spouse if, for example, you just walk (or storm) out of the room without saying anything.

If it’s impractical to actually leave the situation, try counting to ten (or even just 5 seconds) before saying or doing anything.  By doing this, you’re essentially hitting the pause button, which allows the hormone-filled emotional reactivity cycle to diminish in intensity a bit.  To develop this skill, it’s best to practice the countdown in less triggering situations first, so that it will be more familiar and automatic when a more challenging situation presents itself.

Conclusion

Emotional reactivity in and of itself is not a bad thing.  As mentioned previously, it can help us in a truly dangerous situation and is an integral part of our biological evolution.  But, when things aren’t so threatening, which for many people is most of the time, being able to respond more rationally will serve us best.

As an aside, in endeavors that require much physical skill, such as playing sports, over-thinking can sometimes get in the way of performance.  When executing a maneuver such as shooting a basket, throwing a pass or hitting a forehand, you want to in many ways think less in the moment and rely more on muscle memory or instinct.  Imagine what your shot would look like if you methodically went through all the steps in your mind: “I need to raise my arm now…now I’m looking over at my target…now I need to bend my wrist slightly…etc.”  That would be one ugly shot! 

But, when it comes to intra and interpersonal functioning, it’s best to slow down and be a bit more systematic, to make sure both your thinking and emotional brains are working in tandem.