Handle your Emotional Baggage with Care

Everybody knows how airlines are starting to charge fees for extra baggage these days. What a drag. But, there’s another type of baggage that’s clandestine and far more costly. It's called “emotional baggage.” Unfortunately, many people (including those at the airlines) are unaware of what it is or how to handle it.

What is emotional baggage?

As human beings living in our world today, we all carry a certain amount of "emotional baggage." This baggage is the product of unresolved and/or unexamined psychological wounds that condition our minds to think in rigid and unrealistic ways.

This conditioning or wounding can come from direct, personal experiences, including interactions with family, friends, teachers and co-workers. It can also come from more indirect experiences on a societal and global level.

To illustrate this, suppose that an individual loses a parent at a young age. While each person will react to this tragedy differently, this type of experience will likely have a significant impact on their personality, self-image, interpersonal style, etc. For example, this person may harbor some "old" feelings of abandonment that then get triggered in the present. They may subconsciously expect their mate to eventually leave them, as their parent did, and accordingly, overreact to any signs of withdrawal. This may translate into hypersensitivity or hurt feelings when their significant other chooses to do things independently. Instead of accepting the independence, which is healthy in a relationship, the individual may feel threatened because of the unresolved feelings related to losing a parent. This is “emotional baggage.”

While it may be easy to identify negative conditioning from direct, personal life experiences, such as losing a parent, influences from society can be a bit more insidious. Examples of negative societal conditioning include racist, sexist, classist and ageist beliefs; some of these are so pervasive that we don't even question them.

For example, many people believe that elders are physically inactive and asexual; this is a stereotype. Research from the New England Journal of Medicine found that 53% of adults between 65 and 74 years old and 26% between 75 and 85 years of age remain sexually active. Many more are likely interested in sex, but are unable to express these desires due to lack of a partner (being a widow or widower) or living in a setting, such as a nursing home, where privacy is limited.

And, did you know that there are enough people playing tennis over the age of 80 to warrant international competitions among this age group? According to the International Tennis Federation, there are over 80 international tennis tournatments for people 80 years of age and older. From Australia to Argentina, Canada to Croatia and Italy to Israel, accomplished senior athletes can engage in high-level tennis competition. Now, that is cool!

Stereotypes – exaggerated, oversimplified and inaccurate beliefs - can become hurtful if they are accepted as fact and internalized to the point where people think they are true, whether they are a member of the particular group or not. If these stereotypes are not thoroughly vetted on a psychological level, they will continue to influence those who harbor them. For example, if a younger staff member at a nursing home carries the aforementioned belief about elders, they may unconsciously discourage physical activity and healthy expression of sexuality. If an elder has internalized these same negative beliefs, they may unconsciously choose to avoid physical activity or repress feelings of sexual desire. This is another type of emotional baggage.

In general, if one doesn't analyze and evaluate wounding life experiences and erroneous conditioning, then they're more likely to bring this "baggage" into the present. This can contribute to intrapersonal problems, such as low self-esteem, mood and behavior difficulties. It can also lead to interpersonal difficulties with family, friends and co-workers.

How do you deal with it?

When it comes to emotional baggage, the first and most important step involves being aware of it. Imagine if you had a 25 pound suitcase attached to your ankle and you weren’t aware of this. You’d find yourself trying to get around with great effort, wondering why you felt so bogged down all the time. Being aware of it is empowering. It gives you a choice about how to respond to your predicament. You could take some items out of the suitcase to lighten the load. You could choose to add some wheels to make it easier to roll. Or you could decide to build up your muscles and endurance so that the weight wasn’t so difficult to carry.

Another metaphor related to emotional baggage involves the concept of glasses. Our conditioned life experiences, in a sense, color the lenses through which we view the world. For example, if somebody was verbally abused as a child, they may contend with poor self-esteem as both a young person and later as an adult. They likely internalized some of the negative messages conveyed by their abuser (e.g., being told they were “stupid,” “lazy,” or “unworthy”).

If one is wearing the lens of “stupid,” then they’re more likely to see experiences and events that confirm this internal belief. They may unconsciously disregard experiences that contradict this perspective and instead, emphasize the negative experiences that seem to confirm the belief of "I'm stupid." An example of this would be a student with a B+ grade point average, who gets a D on one test and concludes that he/she is stupid. Rather than emphasizing their overall GPA, they focus primarily on the one poor test that confirms their core belief. This is a type of a cognitive distortion known as a "negative filter." Cognitive distortions are ways we misinterpret the world, which often result in negative emotional states. Identifying cognitive distortions is a key task of cognitive-behavioral therapy.

The challenge is to adjust our glasses or lenses, so that they reflect reality more, rather than past erroneous conditioning. An individual who carries the baggage of "I'm stupid" would need to practice looking at themselves from a broader perspective. Whenever the thought of "I'm stupid" arose, they would benefit from asking themselves for the evidence that supports or contradicts this perspective. Having done this, the B+ student may recognize that in most of their classes, they've actually done well. They might also be able to look beyond the limited indicator of a test score to see that they've made good, intelligent decisions in their life that have brought them happiness and success. If one can pause and check-in with themselves, they're more likely to see their experiences in a rational light.

Letting go of emotional baggage does take effort. Fortunately, there are a variety of tools that can help with this process, including the following:

--Psychotherapy: talking openly to an objective professional can provide an opportunity to unravel some of the emotional baggage that may be getting in the way of living the kind of life you want. You can locate a therapist by asking for a recommendation from a friend or your primary care doctor. Also, there are many great resources on the web for finding therapists in your area, such as www.psychologytoday.com.

--Spiritual Practices: if you belong to a church or synagogue, speaking with your minister, rabbi or priest may be a helpful way to work through emotional or relationship difficulties. Also, there are many spiritual-oriented practices designed to increase self-awareness, which is a key component of healing, including mindfulness exercises, yoga and centering prayers.

--Education: reading and taking classes to learn more about social, political and cultural history can promote understanding and awareness and decrease stereotypical thinking.

--Self-Help Groups: there are many self-help groups that can be effective sources of support, education and eradication of emotional baggage. Alcoholics Anonymous is for people struggling with alcohol abuse or dependence. Al-Anon is for friends and families of problem drinkers. Re-Evaluation Counseling "is a process whereby people of all ages and of all backgrounds can learn how to exchange effective help with each other in order to free themselves from the effects of past distress experiences." American Self-Help Group Clearinghouse has a database of over 1,000 self-help groups in the United States.

The key is to try some things out, see what works and stick with those that bring you a sense of clarity, well-being and greater freedom.

In conclusion

Unresolved emotional baggage is the equivalent of wearing the wrong glasses. Imagine walking around with prescription lenses that weren’t made for you – you would certainly miss a lot of what was happening around you and you would see the world in a distorted fashion.

Since we are all recipients of a certain amount of negative conditioning, whether on a personal or cultural level, we can all benefit from increasing awareness of the places where we may be carrying unresolved emotional baggage. Freeing oneself from this baggage allows people to access their inherent abilities as powerful and thougtful human beings, rather than being bogged down by distorted, limiting beliefs. The result? More rational, effective and satisfying living.